


In Which College Is Hard, Roommates Are Insane, And Many, Many People Are In Love.

by The_Asexual_Queen_of_the_Universe



Category: Ghost Hunt, Haikyuu!!
Genre: Asahi works at Starbucks, Cussing, F/F, F/M, Fake tsukki/kags dating inspired by my beautiful best friends who really fucked up, I was half asleep when I wrote this can you tell, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Team Captain Ennoshita Chikara, There will be other ships I am sure, Was edited so if you want to re-read it's a little more coherent, alcohol mention, asahi makes really really strong coffee and bokuto is not allowed to drink it, bokuto and mai are siblings which probably only makes sense to me, cause the last one would be hilarious tbh, channeling your inner daichi is a thing, daichi can't cook, especially ennoshita, gotta love it when you aren't the one fucking up for a change, it's like Irish Alzheimer's, murderous liberos, some ships are only mentioned but everyone gets screentime, team captain akaashi keiji, team captain yahaba shigeru, team captain yamamoto taketora, the main focus is the volleyball nerds, there is a spider in chapter one, trust me my former volleyball captain did it she was terrifying, underage drinking mention, volleyball captains are either really cool or utterly terrifying there is no middle ground, yay!, you forget everything but the grudges, you need no knowledge of ghost hunt whatsoever to read this, ~irregular updates~
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-27
Updated: 2017-05-02
Packaged: 2018-04-28 09:04:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 14,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5085973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Asexual_Queen_of_the_Universe/pseuds/The_Asexual_Queen_of_the_Universe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Suga and Daichi are seperated in college. Love is in the air, and yet only a few people actually have it together. Tsukishima Kei certainly doesn't. Bokuto Koutaro can proudly say that he has never had it together. There are many Sudden Drastic Realizations (SDRs).</p><p>They're going to need a whole lot of coffee to get through this.</p><p>Thank god for Asahi.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. SDRs and Declarations

For such a gentle soul, Asahi sure made some damn strong coffee, Suga thought as he poured himself a cup and took a sip, grimacing as the bitter liquid hit his tongue. They had run out of creamer yesterday, but none of them had time to get more.

The coffee was so strong, it was like that liquid cocaine drink from the Starbucks secret menu and one of those ridiculously muscled body builders had an unholy love child. They had to keep Bokuto away from the coffee at all costs, or even Akaashi would be at a loss for what to do.

Suga remembered the day they had all gone out of town and come back to find a jittering Bokuto cackling as he watched the Winx Club at four in the morning. It had taken them three days to calm the former captain of Fukurōdani down.

Kuroo slinked into the room, yawning and wearing Nekoma sweatpants and a tank top. His hair was messier than usual and he was still wearing eyeliner.

"You know," Suga said, pouring him a cup of coffee pleasantly, "Yaku's going to kill you when he finds out you were partying all night."

"Don't remind me." Kuroo muttered with a dark look passing over his features, as well as a grateful grin for the coffee, "I know my fate and have resigned myself. I wrote a will. Give everything to Kenma. You can have my cat mugs. And the eyeliner. And the party clothes. Give Bokuto my hair gel."

"Can I have your car?"

"Nah, give it to my mom."

"Give your mother a sports car?"

"Hey, my mom's a cool mom. She _bought_ me that sports car."

Bokuto wandered into the kitchen, looking slightly lost. His hair was down, which may have attributed to his confusion, and he seemed to have forgotten his shirt. Not that anyone minded, of course.

"Where's Mai?" He asked, plopping himself down in one of the kitchen chairs.

"On a job," Suga said, throwing him a piece of toast, "She said she'd be back today."

"Thanks, mom." Bokuto grunted around a mouthful of toast.

The apartment they shared was a large penthouse in Tokyo, technically owned by Bokuto and his younger sister, Mai. The occupants were Mai, Bokuto, Asahi, Yaku, Suga, and Oikawa. They never saw Oikawa before ten in the morning, Yaku was on a trip to New York for a project (he had never said what type of project, just that it was important), Asahi had a early shift at the Starbucks in the lobby of the building (those poor people), and Mai was on a trip. Also, Iwaizumi was there half of the time, but no one minded, as he put Oikawa in his place. There was little he could do about Bokuto, though. They had to call Akaashi for that.

Iwaizumi strolled out of Oikawa's room, a self-satisfied grin on his face.

"Well, that explains the moaning and creaking." Suga muttered into his coffee.

Daichi had decided to go to a university in Miyagi. It was disappointing to be seperated from the other man, but he had survived without a best friend before, and goddamn it, he could do it again.

"Suga, you ok?" Iwaizumi asked. Suga suddenly became aware that he had been staring at his coffee for several minutes longer than was considered normal.

He set his coffee down, hopped on top of a chair, and struck a pose.

"I'm going to become a strong, independent Koushi who don't need no Daichi!"

There were actual tears from his audience, possibly because Kuroo had drank too much coffee in one go and the strength had gotten to his tear ducts (Bokuto was just very emotional). Iwaizumi applauded politely, and Oikawa provided an extremely helpful "Shut the fuck up, I'm trying to get some beauty sleep here!" from the direction of his bedroom.

Meanwhile, Karasuno was going to the crows.

* * *

Tsukishima Kei had just had a SDR (Sudden Disastrous Realization).

He, quite possibly the biggest asshole in the history of the world, was in love with his best friend.

This had come to him during practice, and he had been smacked right in the face by one of Hinata and Kageyama's ridiculous quicks. Fortunately, he had been wearing contacts. Unfortunately, the boy who he now knew to be the object of his affections came running to his side and now his vision was filled with concerned Yamaguchi and holy shit he was adorable and he looked so worried and no no no no no Yamaguchi was not supposed to be concerned-

Ok. Ok. He was going to calm down. Just keep his cool. He was good at that. Yeah. He could do that.

"Tsukki! Are you all right?"

"Holy shit, that's gonna be a nasty bruise!" Hinata exclaimed from somewhere near his feet.

"Oi, someone take him to the nurse!" Ennoshita yelled.

"I'll take him." Yamaguchi said.

Tsukishima felt arms reaching under him, lifting him off the ground, and by the great gods of rock Yamaguchi was princess carrying him to the nurse, that was so cliche.

It was official. He was sold.

And also his head hurt like a fucker and he was going to have to murder the other two second years later, but that was a different matter and entirely separate from the fact that he was being carried by his crush.

And then Yamaguchi fucking dropped him.

* * *

Daichi had class with Matsukawa and Hanamaki, who would not leave him the fuck alone, no matter how many times he broke out his angry dad face. He had to admire their persistence. It was no doubt how they survived three years of Oikawa fucking Tooru.

Not for the first time, Daichi wished he had Suga with him. Suga was just so... _refreshing_. And after several months of these assholes and various former teammates calling him up and sobbing to him about various problems, he really, _really_ needed refreshing. As in needed it so desperately he was willing to drive to Tokyo if necessary.

No, seriously. He was going to drive to fucking Tokyo, present Suga with a fucking platter of super spicy mapo tofu and some fucking pink carnations, and then he would confess and hopefully it be accepted and if it was he would then dip Suga like a dancer and kiss him passionately while Suga's roommates cheered.

Yes, he had thought about this way too much. But could you blame him? He was stuck living in his tiny little dorm room with Matsukawa (his actual roommate) and Hanamaki (who he had honestly never heard even mention a secondary place of residence), the two biggest assholes on campus, who happened to be dating each other. The duo had devoted some of the time they took away from homework- so they could procrastinate and make out on Matsukawa's bed- to annoying him. Which, needless to say, was _very_ annoying.

Honestly, it was a miracle no one had been stabbed yet.

* * *

Kenma wanted to go home.

This was not unusual for Kenma. In fact, he spent the vast majority of his time wanting to go home. When he _was_ at home, he wanted Kuroo, because otherwise his parents would bother him to do things like clean his room or have conversations. But, alas, he was stuck at practice, Kuroo was at college, Lev and Yamamoto were annoying, and Kenma wanted to run away.

So he did.

Currently, he was hiding in the broom closet (the irony of the fact that he was a closeted pansexual was not lost on him at the moment), and fortunately he had his phone so he could play Marvel: Contest of Champions.

Thank the gods for the people who decided the school needed free wifi.

* * *

Practice was a little too calm for Akaashi's liking.

The new ace was _fine_. Being captain was _fine_. His vice captain was _fine_. School was _fine_. The first years were _fine_. Practice was _fine_.

Akaashi _hated_ fine.

Despite his near constant poker face and tendency to speak in a monotonous voice, Akaashi actually didn't mind excitement. In fact, he rather enjoyed it. Fukurōdani without Bokuto-san was successful, but Akaashi craved the infectious enthusiasm of the former captain.

He'd just have to break into Bokuto-san's apartment. That shouldn't be too hard, right?

* * *

"Dumbass! Dumbass Hinata!" Came Kageyama's horrified shrieks from across the gym. With a sigh, Ennoshita turned around and sought out the duo, expecting to see squabbling and fighting. Instead he got an armful of Tanaka Ryūnoske.

"Tanaka, what the hell?"

"Enno-san, don't go over there! There's a spider."

Nishinoya walked by, carrying the spider in the palm of his hand and whistling to himself. Tanaka screamed, tightening his grip on the poor captain and squeezing the air from his lungs. Kinoshita, the newly appointed vice captain, tried to haul Tanaka off but he persisted.

"Tanaka, get off me!"

"Nishinoya-senpai, you moved the spider! That's so cool!"

"You get a popsicle, Shōyō!"

"Thank you, Nishinoya-senpai!"

"Oi, you lot. Stop yelling." The coach screamed.

Ennoshita has seen a lot of shit. And he is getting very, very done.

He took a deep breath, channeling his inner Daichi. One look at his _extremely_ pissed off face and unnecessarily dark aura had Yachi hiding behind Narita and Hinata behind Kageyama. Thankfully, some of the first years had volunteered to help carry the injured Tsukishima, so they managed to escape.

Every night Ennoshita wrote an email to Daichi, telling him the day's events. Everyday he received a reply, which he read to the team in the morning (personal parts redacted, of course).

Karasuno had won nationals once in his time there, and they would do it again, so help him.

(That was an actual request for help. He didn't know how he had survived this long already.)

* * *

When Mai got home from work, she found her older brother staring at a pot of Asahi's finest.

"Don't," She told him, "Because if you do, I will assign a ghost to haunt you."

He hugged her before scampering off to his room, calling back something about being glad she didn't die. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a sock on Oikawa's door.

She sighed, pulling a box of leftover pizza out of the fridge. She had a long night and three essays ahead of her.

Thank the gods for Asahi.


	2. Unlikely Alliances, Sobbing Marathons, and Mai Get That Ghost Out Of Here.

That was certainly not what Bokuto had expected to walk in on so early in the morning.

Kuroo, who had at some point after his latest party, had passed out on the couch, and was sleep talking. His monologue (or at least Bokuto presumed it was a monologue, since he couldn't hear any other parts of any potential conversation) was primarily about Kenma. Unsurprisingly, of course. Bokuto had figured out Kuroo's little crush quite a while back.

No, no, the surprising part was the fact that Akaashi mother fucking Keiji was standing in their kitchen, making chocolate chip pancakes and humming along to the Killers. Bokuto's eyes were practically popping out of his head. He might have even drooled a little. Akaashi turned towards him, grin on his face and spatula in hand- was he wearing a owl t-shirt, because that would be the cutest thing Bokuto had ever seen in his life- and the way the sun hit his hair and his beautiful face and everything was just perfect and beautiful and holy shit Bokuto was gay as a fucking double rainbow in Ireland over a gay parade with Ian McKellen in it.

"Good morning, Bokuto-san. You may not have any of the coffee Azumane-san made. I have no desire to watch the Winx club with you again." Great gods of volleyball and owls, even his voice was perfect.

"Bokuto-san, are you all right?" Concern was filtering through that lovely voice.

"Akaashi, you're here!" Bokuto said before bursting into tears.

* * *

It wasn't that Suga hated crying people. No, that wasn't the case at all. No, what Suga hated was being woken up early after he was up late the night before and now most of his roommates were crying and he was going to have to find a set of keys for Akaashi because otherwise he would just keep picking their locks.

Bokuto was at the present leaning on his former setter and sobbing into his t-shirt.

"Akaashiiiiiii, I'm not a responsible adulttttttttt."

"No one is, Bokuto-san."

"Akaashiiiiiiiiiiii, I want to eat meatttttttt and play with owllllllllllssssss."

"We will find you both of those things, Bokuto-san."

"D'yah really mean it?"

"Yes, Bokuto-san. I really do."

Bokuto started crying again. Kuroo was sobbing in the corner, looking at pictures of Kenma on his phone. Oikawa and Mai were sobbing over a Sandra Bullock rom-com. An Asahi-shaped blanket-covered lump was curled up on their couch, periodically emitting sobbing noises and, "No, Noya, I swear I'm not lying, there was actually a ghost in the bathroom." In the midst of all of this chaos, Iwaizumi and Sugawara were eating breakfast. Akaashi had made some damn fine pancakes, after all. No sense in letting them go to waste.

* * *

Daichi was so far beyond done that he might as well be in different universe. 

HanaMatsu- they were so annoying and constantly together that he had decided to just address them as a duo from now on- had taken up his _entire_ night to attempt to get him together with Suga. They had even created a four page google doc entitled "Plans for Seducing Sugawara Koushi- DAICHI LOOK AT THIS DAMN YOU." And to make matters even worse, Karasuno had been nearby playing a practice match, and had decided to come over.

Daichi had accidently left his fucking laptop open to the document. 

What happened next could easily be summarized in three words: _Tsukishima_. _Fucking_. _Kei_.

Now, his former volleyball team (plus Shimizu, who also attended the university, and including the coach, Take-chan, and Yachi) had teamed up with HanaMatsu to get the former captain and vice captain of Karasuno together.

Daichi needed help. Normally he would go to Suga, but that was out of the question. Perhaps one of the other captains. Yet, Bokuto was not the type you should ask these things of, Kuroo was doing some pining of his own, and Oikawa was...Oikawa. He couldn't imagine ever asking Ushijima _anything_. If he wanted advice, it would have to be Moniwa. 

It was decided. He would call Moniwa after he had disposed of Tsukishima's body.

* * *

Tsukishima was sitting way to close to Kageyama for anyone's liking. He was jammed between the setter and the wall, which was irritating. Though the wall probably had better social skills then either of them.

Yamaguchi was talking excitedly to Hinata, and the two middle blockers were both grinning.

Tsukishima and Kageyama both had one simultanious thought process: _Holy shit, my best friend is fucking adorable_. They both looked at each other, terrifying grins breaking over their faces when they realized they had something in common. And, in that moment, an unlikely alliance was formed. 

One look at their faces had Yachi diving for cover behind Daichi, who was simultaneously blushing and glaring at Tsukishima as Tanaka and Nishinoya read aloud from the document, cheerful voices echoing in the tiny, cement-walled dorm room. Ennoshita was smiling and shaking his head at their antics.

* * *

Meanwhile in New York, Yaku was staring down at the city from the top of the Empire State building at nine in the morning. He grabbed his phone, dialing Lev's number. 

"Yaku-san!" He heard as soon as Lev picked up.

"Hey Lev. How have you been?"

"Great. How about you Yaku-san? Have you gotten to the Empire State building? Do you finally know what it's like to be tall?"

"Fine. Fuck you too, Lev."

"Kenma-san keeps running away. What do we do?"

"Kick him."

"But-"

"If that doesn't work, call Kuroo. He'll drag Kenma back to practice."

"Thanks, Yaku-san."

"No problem, Lev. Work on your receives. Get plenty of sleep. Work hard. Do your homework. Listen to the captain. Don't try to fight him. Ask the teachers if you have problems with class work. Or call me, that works as well."

"Thanks, Yaku-san. You're such a mom!"

"Yeah, yeah, you shitty brat. Go to bed. It's ten where you are."

"Goodbye, Yaku-san."

"Goodnight, Lev."

* * *

As according to custom, when Suga bestowed upon Akaashi his keys, there was a ceremony in which the house rules were read. 

The House Rules

  * If you eat the food and FINISH it, add it to the grocery list.
  * Wash your own dirty dishes.
  * If you see a ghost, don't panic, call Mai. If Mai fails, then panic.
  * If you bring a ghost(s) or guest(s) to this apartment, you are responsible for all damage they cause. If they invite themselves, they are to blame. If they have keys, they are "residents."
  * For the love of all things holy, no murder in the fucking apartment.
  * Bokuto may not, under any circumstances, drink Asahi's coffee. No. Just no.
  * Don't change the fucking wifi password you asshats.



That concluded the official house rules.

 

 

 


	3. Bokuto Spams the Group Chat, Asahi Needs Help (And Actually Gets It For Once), and Kyoutani Is Forced To Stay In The Group Chat.

Daichi was sitting under the bed in his dorm room with HanaMatsu. Due to the fact that their dorm room was tiny as _fuck_ , they had come up with a brilliant solution: they would jam their beds together for one big mattress, the underside of which could be used as a home theater when properly combined with a corner, several blankets, and one of the desks. The other desk had been regulated to kitchen counter duty, and they had just shoved all of their clothes in one closet. The other closet was used to store dirty laundry.

It was a messy system, but it was a effective one.

At the present they were using campus wifi to watch  _Sinister_. Daichi was never, ever, ever going to look at children, mirrors, and home movie collections the same way again. _  
_

"You know," He said, taking a bite of the cup ramen they had made for dinner (Matsukawa had put that fancy water that came in glass bottles from Norway or some shit like that in Hanamaki's and declared that he had made him a "fancy dinner." HanaMatsu had spent the next ten or so minutes being a disgustingly happy couple all over the place.), "I never quite expected Oikawa to be one of the ones who had his shit together after highschool. I mean, yeah, you expect that from Iwaizumi, but Oikawa?"

"An excellent point, oh honorable lonely one." Hanamaki said foundly, smacking him on the back a bit too hard, "And I certainly never expect Kyoutani and Yahaba to hook up. I mean, they hated each other! What's up with that?"

"Probably Watari or Oikawa." Matsukawa uttered around a mouthful of ramen. Hanamaki nodded in response to his boyfriend.

"But no one can honestly say that we would thought Bokuto would have his shit together." Daichi replied, grimacing at a particularly gruesome scene.

"Let's be really, Dachi," Muttered Hanamaki, "Bokuto's _never_ had his shit together."

* * *

Kuroo woke up in the morning to Bokuto staring him in the face. 

"BRO, WHAT THE ACTUAL  _FUCK_." He shrieked, lunging back away from him and slamming his head into this wall.

"Shush, bro, Oikawa's asleep. I had a realization."

"What kind of realization, bro?"

"Bro...I'm in love with Akaashi."

"DUde, no wayyyyy."

"Yes way. Totally way. Sweet, right?"

"Dude, love is the sweetest."

"Yeah, man. You know what we need to do? We need a club."

"What kind of a club?"

"A club for people who are hopelessly in love with their setters." Kuroo stared at the wing spiker, cheshire cat grin breaking across his face.

" _Dude_. Grab Iwaizumi. We need to set up a group chat." 

* * *

Asahi hated the morning rush. He had developed a system for how much coffee he needed to handle the stresses of customer service, which were made worse by his anxiety. After explaining this to his manager- who was thankfully a ex-senpai of Bokuto's and understood Asahi's problems- it had been arranged that he shared literally all of his shifts with people who _could_ deal with horrible customers. However, there was one flaw in his seemingly perfect plan: his coworker was sick.

So now poor, horrified Asahi was stuck dealing with the morning rush all. By. Himself. He wanted to cry and hide behind something much larger and more solid than he was. Maybe a wall? When could Datekou's players be here by? Was there a possibility Iwaizumi would come down and help him? Maybe he could pretend there was some sort of freak coffee shortage and close the shop, but there was always the possibility of people wanting teas or smoothies or baked goods and oh gods he was going to die-

"Asahi-san!" Oh, no. He really was fucked if he was hearing things, because for a second there he could have sworn he'd heard Noya.

"It is you, Asahi-san!" The libero yelled, shoving his petite frame ahead of all of the other customers. "I knew it!"

"Noya, what are you doing here?" Asahi asked, shock plain on his face.

"We got the day off school and practice so I came to visit you. Suga-san mentioned something about you working at Starbucks when he called last so I figured that I'd come say hi. So, need any help?"

"Noya..." Asahi whispered, looking down at the excited ~~second~~ _third_ year. "Please help me."

"Oi, can we get our coffee?" One of the customers yelled. Asahi flinched, and Noya leapt nimbly over the counter. 

"Asahi-san, you handle the machines. I'll take over customers."

* * *

 THE OFFICIAL GROUP CHAT OF P.I.L.W.T.S.A.

_Kuroo has added Bokuto, Iwaizumi, Daichi, Hinata, and Kyoutani._

Hinata: Ooooh! Daichi-san! 

Daichi: Kuroo, what the hell is going on? What the fuck is P.I.L.W.T.S.A.?

Kuroo: No bad words in front of the children, Daichi.

Kuroo: It stands for People In Love With Their Setters Anonymous.

Kuroo: Bokuto thought up the name.

Kyoutani: Fuck this shit. I'm out.

Iwaizumi: No.

Iwaizumi: If I have to suffer, so do you. Or are you not strong enough to beat me in this?

Kyoutani: ...

Kyoutani: Fine.

Hinata: Shouldn't we add Sakunami-kun, too?

Kuroo: Who the fuck is that?

Hinata: Datekou's libero? Likes Koganegawa-kun?

Daichi: Oh. Yeah, sure.

  _Hinata has added Sakunami._

Kuroo: Now this is gonna be fun.

Kuroo: Bokuto if you spam this with owl pics istg I will end you

Bokuto:

Kuroo: You fucking asked for it.

Iwaizumi: No murder in the apartment, dipshits.

Sakunami: Why am I here

Sakunami: What is going on

Sakunami: HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THE CRUSH ILL PAY YOU NOT TO TELL ANYONE

Iwaizumi: Chill, kid. It's anonymous for a reason.

Sakunami: Oh thank god. Otherwise I'd have to resort to murder.

Hinata: Eh. I'm fine.

Hinata: I don't think Kageyama even knows what a crush is.

Hinata: He'd probably just be like "ok cut the crap lets play volleyball"

Iwaizumi: Sometimes I worry about that kid.


	4. Yahaba is like 990% done.

Oikawa was in a mood.

Yahaba had recognized the presence of the mood the second the older setter had walked into Aoba Johsai's gym for a visit and, after giving Kyoutani his best "don't act up or I'll call Iwaizumi-san on your ass" look, dragged the college student away.

"What happened?" Yahaba asked bluntly, having marched them into the locker room, glaring at a second year who was running late.

"Iwa-chan's been on his phone a lot lately and he won't let me see the screen." Oikawa told him, looking at his feet.

"Wait a minute here. You think he's cheating on you? Are you a fucking idiot? Oh, wait. I'd forgotten. You are."

"Hey, that's mean! Bad Yahaba! Very bad!"

Matsukawa strolled in. "Oi, Oikawa, Iwaizumi will kill you if he finds out you're bullying the underclassmen."

"Hey, the underclassmen started bullying me first!"

Kindaichi burst in sobbing, launching himself at Oikawa. 

"Kindaichi, what happened?"

"Kunimi got a girlfriend." He sniffed, clinging to the setter. "He didn't even tell me."

"Oh gods, I'm going to need a new team by the time this all settles down." Yahaba grumbled, patting the boy on his ridiculous hair.

* * *

Hinata: Guys guys guys help me please.

Daichi: What's wrong, Hinata?

Hinata: Kageyama and Tsukishima are talking to each other during our break and they're  _smiling_.

Daichi: Holy shit.

Daichi: This may be out of my depth.

Daichi: Call Suga I don't know what to tell you.

Kuroo: Tell him to run.

Bokuto: Get that pinch server dude out of there, too.

* * *

Hinata: Suga-san, help me.

Sugawara: What's wrong, Hinata?

Hinata: Kageyama and Tsukishima are talking during break and they're smiling.

Hinata: _Together_.

Sugawara: Well then.

Sugawara: Run?

Sugawara: Take Yamaguchi with you. Use Tanaka as a human shield if you need to. Grab Yachi if you can.

Sugawara: Maybe hide in the girls' gym, I heard they got a tall ace recently.

* * *

Hinata, Yamaguchi, and Yachi were hiding in the girls' gym, staring up at the ace that was some how almost as tall as Lev, and the setter who was the same height as Kageyama and just as angry.

"So who the hell are you?" She asked, frowning. Her black hair was tied back into a braid, dark eyes catching everything. 

The new first-year setter was formerly a Kitagawa Daiichi girls team student. She and the ace standing next to her had taken their team to nationals every year there, and had plans to help completely rework Karasuno's team. Apparently she hadn't really cared which high school she went to, but she had heard that Kageyama attended Karasuno and wanted to "annoy the ickle Kagels." Clearly she was a former Oikawa protégé.

"Um...we're from the boys' team...our setter and one of our middle blockers are sort of going insane..."

"Ah, so Kagels finally snapped again! C'mon in. We have plenty of room. Practice with us! You're both middle blockers, right? That's great. We always need more blockers. Let's get moving, team. Fifteen laps, now." She took off out of the gym, racing the ace and winning.

"Sorry about her," One of the second years said from behind them, "She's...interesting?"

* * *

"Oi, where'd three of our second years go?" Ukai asked, frowning at the team.

"Hinata-senpai and Yamaguchi-senpai ran off and dragged Yachi-senpai off with them." One of the first years offered.

"Did they say where they were going?" The firsty shook his head.

"Shit." And suddenly, from the outdoors, came a loud wailing noise as the girls' team ran by, Hinata and the first year setter neck in neck. 

"ERIKA DON'T CHASE HIM. BUT IF HE'S CHASING YOU, THEN KICK HIS ASS."

"YES, MA'AM."

The boys stared at the cloud of dust that followed the sprinting girls (and Yamaguchi and Hinata), confused and somewhat horrified.

* * *

Kageyama: Erika don't steal Hinata from me.

Erika: Is the Kagles jealous?

Erika: He IS jealous. 

Erika: I'm going to call Oikawa-senpai.

Kageyama: I'll kill you while you sleep.

Erika: Iwaizumi-senpai would stop you. Also I sleep with my eyes open. Good luck getting past me, asshat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Female volleyball characters inspired by my old team. The poor vice-captain had to do so much explaining for the over excitable younger kids. And captain. She also had to break up quite a few fights. She got REALLY good at channeling her inner Daichi. 
> 
> And she once was part of the "Get Andromeda into the water" club. They didn't realize I didn't know how to swim.
> 
> I survived, though. There was a lack of flesh eating sea creatures.


	5. BOKUTO STOP WITH THE OWL GIFS, Brilliant? Plans Are Hatched, and Daichi Lights Himself On Fire.

"ERIKA AND SAYA, WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP." The captain of the girls' team screamed, glaring at the setter and ace, who were bickering in loud voices over which candies were the best. Saya favored the fruity ones and Erika favored the chocolate.

"SIR YES SIR." They yelled back, snapping to attention. The team was about to play a match against Aoba Johsai's girls team, who, while nowhere near the boys team's level, were still pretty good.

"C'mon, you idiots, we've got a job to do." The captain muttered, cracking her knuckles. 

"I wish we could've played the boys team," Erika said, strolling along in the back of the group, "I want to bug Kindaichi."

"Why are you so mean spirited? No wonder people think you're like Oikawa." Saya replied, feeling sorry for poor Kindaichi, who didn't deserve such bad luck with setters.

"Uh, rude. I'm totally better than he is."

"What were you saying, ~Erika-chan~?" Oikawa sang out from behind them, a horrified Kindaichi, exasperated Yahaba, and amused Matsukawa behind him.

"That I'm better than you."

"Oh, really? Think you can prove it?"

"Hell yeah I can."

"No no no no no. No noity no no. We are _not_ doing this. Not on my watch." Yahaba said, glaring at the other two setters.

"Yahaba, back down." Matsukawa whispered, dragging the captain away. "Leave these idiots alone."

"OI, SHITTYKAWA. STOP BULLYING THE UNDERCLASSMAN."

Thanks to Kyoutani's quick thinking and excellent texting skills, Iwaizumi had finally arrived.

* * *

 Tsukishima and Kageyama were having a meeting. They had yet to determine the exact purpose of the meeting, so they were just sitting on the roof and glaring at each other.

"We need a plan." Kageyama grunted, not breaking eye contact.

"Well no shit, sherlock."

"How do we get our best friends to notice us romantically?"

"Does it look like I know?"

"We could seduce them."

"Do you actually know how to seduce someone?"

"We could...I don't know, get fake girlfriends or some shit and see if they get jealous."

"That's not a half bad idea, king. Let me make it better. Let's fake-date each other so that they at least know we like guys."

They shook hands before running off to go stalk couples and figure out how to act.

* * *

Mai did not like the rain.

Mai had a long, long list of things she wasn't fond of. Sure, the rain was pretty and all, but it was wet, which was irritating. 

Bokuto, on the other hand, loved it, and so Akaashi was stuck watching over one very excited and soaking wet college student and his sulking and bundled up sister.

"Akaashi, it's raining."

"Yes, I have eyes, Bokuto-san."

"Move your ass, Kou-chan."

"Mai-chan, such terrible language."

"Shut the fuck up and come on, I have to set up the office."

Akaashi ambled behind the bickering siblings, and was most definitely _not_ checking Bokuto out, thank you very much. Absolutely, totally, 100% not checking him out.

Ok, _fine_ , maybe a little.

* * *

Sugawara hated math. 

It was his dreaded math class, and his teacher just droned on and on and on.

Sugawara: Daichi save me from math.

Daichi: Only if you save me from HanaMatsu.

Daichi: THEY'RE TRYING TO SET ME UP WITH SOMEONE AND IT'S REALLY ANNOYING.

Sugawara: Who?

Daichi: Um

Daichi: A person

Daichi: Gtg I just lit myself on fire

* * *

Daichi: Send help to my location immediately I just let it slip to Suga that HanaMatsu are trying to set me up with someone and then I lit myself on fire

Saya: So this is the scary captain dude? I like him.

Daichi: No offense, but who are you?

Saya: Girls' team ace at Karasuno. 

Saya: I saw you play at nationals and your receives are BOSS

Daichi: Thank you

Daichi: Would it be forward of me to assume that you are also in love with your setter?

Saya: Well I wouldn't be here if I wasn't

Saya: So you lit yourself on fire? How'd that happen?

Daichi: I was trying to cook and suddenly I was burning.

Kuroo: Thank god we're setting you up with Suga

Bokuto: His food is great.

Iwaizumi: Totally better than Assikawa's

Kuroo: Did you give him that nickname because he has a great ass?

Iwaizumi:...Do you want me to tell your setters? Because I have nothing to lose here and you do.

Sakunami: I'd kill you.

Kuroo: Damn this kid is scary. I like 'im.

Sakunami: Thank you for the compliment. I might spare you.

Bokuto:

Kuroo: Get 'im, Sakunami!


	6. Murderous Liberos, The Middle Blockers Run To The Girls When Things Get Scary, And Ushiwaka Wants To Give Some Advice.

Sakunami was going to _murder_ Futakuchi-senpai. There was no doubt in his mind, just pure, justified rage.

The irritating bastard had stolen his phone and found his very, very secret stash of photos of Koganegawa. Now he was being bothered by "concerned" upperclassmen who gave _shit_ advice.

Well, except for Aone, who was teaching the class "How To Seduce Your Man With Food," which had been named by Futakuchi-senpai ("Hey, it worked on me! If anyone can teach you how to cook, it's this guy.") At least Aone was somewhat sympathetic towards his situation.

At least Koganegawa remained oblivious, but damn if the setter wasn't distracting.

Oh, he was as much of a shitty setter as always, and Sakunami had to bust his ass to bail him out at least 90% of the time, but Koganegawa was...passionate. And tactile. Also, he had a tedency to take his shirt off. A lot.

Sakunami was screwed, but he was at least going to send the captain to an early grave before he died.

* * *

Kuroo: Yoooooooo whats up bros

Kuroo: Can someone in Tokyo pick me up I think I had too much to drink

Yaku: I think so, too.

Kuroo: Oh shit. 

Kuroo: I drank to much...fruit punch. Yeah, fruit punch. I feel a little sick, y'know?

Yaku: You're dead meat. Kiss your boyfriend goodbye, because I'm going to kill you.

Kuroo: Dude I'm still not dating Kenma. Sheesh. You have too much faith in me.

Yaku: You're a fucking idiot. Ask him out when you're sober.

Kuroo: Thanks mom~

Yaku: Then I can kill you.

* * *

Kageyama and Tsukishima's "brilliant" plan was failing. Really, really failing. Call in backup failing. 

Erika would be decent backup, right?

"So wait, you're fake dating to see if your intended dates get jealous?"

"...yes..." They muttered.

"Ok, I have dated a grand total of one person in my life, so I literally cannot help you. With anything. I just know that you're both idiots."

"...sorry..."

"Go talk to your captain or some shit. Or just, y'know, _FUCKING TELL THEM_." 

"...ok..."

* * *

Kuroo: Bros please save me Yaku's gonna kill me

Bokuto: Bro that's too bad

Bokuto: can I have your hair gel

Kuroo: Yeah I put that in my will

Sakunami: Want me to kill this Yaku before he gets to you?

Iwaizumi: Geezo kid you're a psycho.

Sakunami: Someone stop me from murdering Futakuchi-senpai. Also, Kuroo-san, you just need to say the word. I have cyanide in my coffee maker as we text.

Daichi: Murder is vetoed. Bad children.

Hinata: DAICHI-SAN KAGEYAMA AND TSUKISHIMA ARE DATING

Daichi: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

Daichi: HOLY SHIT IS THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENING THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING

Daichi: RUN

Saya: That's terrifying. I'm just going to stick near Erika for the rest of eternity.

* * *

 Yamaguchi was pissed. And jealous. And a dozen other things he didn't want to put a name to.

Tsukishima was dating Kageyama, and from the look on Hinata's face, he hadn't seen it coming either. It was just...suspicious. And completely out of the blue.

The coach looked more shocked than anyone else, quite frankly. He kept glancing between the two, shaking his head and wearying, "This is why I didn't want to coach high schoolers." Take-chan was trying to comfort him, and Yachi was periodically stammering out nonsensical responses. 

Yamaguchi and Hinata made eye contact, nodded once, twice, and ran for the girls' gym.

* * *

Oikawa didn't know what kind of ice cream to get. 

Mai's boss (who, from what he knew of the guy, sounded like a real prick), had apparently turned her down pretty harshly before leaving the country. So now the entire apartment was filled with blaring Adele music, blankets, movies, and tissues. He had been sent on an ice cream retrieval mission by Bokuto, who had taken one look at his anguished sister and paled, gestured at Oikawa, and implored him to go on a quest.

"What to get, what to get?" He mused, tapping his chin with his pointer finger, covered in tape as it was. 

"A piece of advice, Oikawa?" Ushijima said from behind him. Oikawa dropped his phone, emitting a petrified shriek, and spun around. The muscular ace stood before him, holding a basket full of normal, mundane groceries.

"What do you want, Ushiwaka-chan?"

"Get the dulce de leche and some strawberries. It's delicious. Also, you really should have come to Shiratorizawa."

"Dick." Oikawa grunted as the ace walked away.


	7. Ushiwaka Likes High School Musical, Daichi Lights More Things On Fire, and Kuroo and Sakunami Become Roommates (Until Yaku No Longer Wants To Murder Kuroo.).

Ushijima Wakatoshi wanted a god damn break.

Tendou and Semi had hooked up and were now sharing a room next to his in the two bedroom apartment the three were renting. That was _extremely_ irritating, because it was fucking _Tendou_ (and also Tendou fucking), and now he was all happy and excited that he was in a relationship (fortunately, Semi remained unchanged except for a few hickeys). 

Goshiki wouldn't stop fucking calling him, Semi had sent him on a diplomatic mission to Oikawa's apartment, now there was a crying teenage girl, and Iwaizumi had emerged from a bedroom, shirtless, opened his mouth, closed it again, and whirled around. 

Maybe he could convince the girl to give him access to their Netflix account. He had heard good things about  _High School Musical_.

* * *

Kuroo: So which of you wonderful lovebirds wants to help me escape Yaku?

Sakunami: Come to my place, Kuroo-san. I guarantee he can't get past the death traps.

Kuroo: I knew I liked you.

Iwaizumi: Why is Ushiwaka in our appartment?

Bokuto: Ushiwaka's in our apartment?!?!

Hinata: I'm gonna fight him.

Daichi: No.

Hinata: Please, Daichi-san.

Daichi: I said no you little shit.

Sakunami: *･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

Sakunami: Please ignore that. Futakuchi-senpai took my phone. 

Kyoutani: You gonna kill him?

Sakunami: Yes.

Kyoutani: I can help you hide the body. I have experience. 

Iwaizumi: WHY THE _HELL_ DO YOU HAVE EXPERIENCE WITH THAT?

Bokuto:

Iwaizumi: Shut the fuck up or I'll defenestrate you. 

Bokuto: I know what that means, you asshole.

Iwaizumi: Prove it.

Bokuto: I'll have you know that I'm a Biology major with a minor in English.

Iwaizumi: YOU'RE A FRESHMAN IN COLLEGE CALM THE FUCK DOWN.

Kuroo: Have you met him?

* * *

"Fucking shit!" Daichi yelled from the kitchen area of the dorm room. Matsukawa raised his head from his intense concentration on sentence one of his essay (the product of a hour of work) to see a giant pillar of flame rising from the mini stove. 

"Do we need the fire extinguisher again?" He asked. Daichi grunted, brow furrowing in concentration. "'Cuz I think we need the fire extinguisher again."

"Damn straight, babe." Hanamaki muttered, curling a little closer into Matsukawa. "Shame the shitty cook."

"Shush your mouth and sleep." Matsukawa murmured. "Shouldn't have pulled that all nighter."

"I had to finish that report," Hanamaki grumbled, "So shut up and be a pillow."

"You two are sickeningly cute." Daichi declared before yelping as flames shot up and licked the ceiling. 

"Why is ramen so damn hard to make?" The former captain asked, jabbing the smoking noodles with a spoon. 

* * *

Suga needed more coffee before his Chemistry lab. It had been a stressful past couple of days for the setter, between Daichi's mysterious radio silence and Oikawa's mysterious encounters with Ushiwaka, not to mention the fact that Suga had befriended Semi Eita from Shiratorizawa, who he shared a History class with.

The past couple of days had also brought about more text messages from some of his former underclassmen, who were still panicking over the fact that Tsukishima and Kageyama were apparently dating (Where had _that_ come from?) and the new girls' team (Hinata got along with their ace. Not entirely unexpected.), and apparently Ennoshita and Tanaka had become suspiciously close. Poor Yachi. She must be in desperate need of some help.

Ah, well at least Ennoshita had become a master at the fine art of channeling one's inner Daichi. Karasuno would be fine.

* * *

Karasuno was not fine.

Asahi had come for a visit and made coffee. This had become a problem after Hinata, Tanaka, Nishinoya, and Saya had somehow gotten their hands on some and now they were running around the town and couldn't be nailed down for more then a second before they were dashing off again. Ennoshita was seriously pissed, as were Erika, the captain of the girl's team, and Kageyama. Yachi was hiding behind Yamaguchi. Asahi was sobbing in the broom closet, having been locked in there for the good of himself and the world.

Coach Ukai had called together literally all the volleyball teams in the area to help restrain the dangerous quartet of energetic players. Ennoshita had heard tales of the Winx Club incident and how it had supposedly it had taken like three days to calm Bokuto down. Hopefully it wouldn't come to that.

But knowing his life, it probably would.

* * *

"Hello?" Kuroo yelled, dragging his humongous duffel bag with him into Sakunami's house. He eyed a laser beam coming from a mysterious device mounted on the wall. "Sakunami, ya here?"

"Just a minute, Kuroo-san!" There came the sound of feet thumping down the stairs. Sakunami's brown eyes widened when he caught sight of the laser.

"I am so, so sorry, Kuroo-san. I swear I meant to turn that off."

"No problem. Do you always have a laser on?"

"Yes. It's just a beam of red light, actually. It's meant to ward off Futakuchi-senpai. And burglars. But mostly Futakuchi-senpai."

"Huh."

"Don't drink the orange juice, the coffee, or the lemonade. The milk should be okay, but it's always better to ask. Most of the food is okay as well, but don't eat the peanut butter. My grandpa's a scientist. He enjoys making dangerous things. He also works for JAXA."

"Nice."

"Thank you."

"So, got any cats?"

* * *

Semi Eita was sitting in a cafe waiting for Ushijima.

"It's been seven hours since I sent him to Suga's place," He mused, "Where the hell is he?"

Meanwhile at the apartment, Ushijima and Mai had moved on to _High School Musical 3_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sakunami's grandfather is inspired by my own. He was a scientist who worked for both Lockheed and NASA. He once calculated exactly how to blow up the moon. He was awesome.  
> Funny story- Asahi's coffee is inspired by my awesome mother, who I swear makes fucking rocket fuel. And she's not fully awake until she's had at least three cups.  
> Extra Ushiwaka this chapter because people really liked Ushiwaka.  
> Updates may become less regular because basketball season just started up again and I'm probs going to be one of our most needed members again- our team is tiny and I'm our best defensive player despite being as tall as Hinata. My bae has spent so much time calling me the "small, tiny girlfriend."  
> True story- I accidentally wrote this chapter in Latin until figuring it out halfway through the story. And that was after I started replying to people in a mixture of Spanish and Chinese.


	8. Daichi Is Still The Dad of The Team, Kuroo Is A Useless Nerd (But Kenma's Really Not One To Talk And Quite Frankly Neither Is This Author), And Bokuto Fucks Up Big Time.

Yahaba was overstressed and underpaid.

Watari had "helpfully" commented that he wasn't, in fact, paid, but had quickly and profusely apologized after Yahaba pulled an Oikawa-senpai-after-a-match-with-Shiratorizawa glare/smile thing.

An example of the expression:

Watari had good reason to be terrified. Even Kyoutani ran for cover. 

Anyway, the point of all of this was that now Yahaba was consoling a distraught Kindaichi in the locker room (Kunimi's date had gone well and Kunimi was going on a second date later tonight) and he was totally not paid enough for this.

Maybe he should start charging for advice. Five dollars per piece of wisdom. 

Eh, who the hell was he kidding. He'd lose the team before he got any where.

"Y-yahaba-senpai, why is life so mean to meeeeeee?" Kindaichi moaned, fresh tears spilling out as he wrung his hands.

"Life isn't fair. So pick up the pieces of your shattered life and move the fuck on."

"Senpai, why are you so wise?" 

"Because I put up with Oikawa's 'Very Close Personal Mentoring For Yahaba-chan~~~' (so named to annoy Iwaizumi) for two goddamn years without snapping or hitting him. That's better than even Iwaizumi-san can say." Kindaichi stared up at him with wide eyes, a touch of fear in them. "Now c'mon, Kindachi, let's get back to practice." He hauled the second year off the floor, kicking the door open like a boss. Because he was the boss. 

(A boss who was regrettably not paid.)

(Maybe he should get a button that said 'Don't yell at me, I'm a volunteer.")

* * *

Suga walked into the apartment after his shift at a local grocery story to find Ushiwaka, Mai, and Oikawa all watching _Mean_ _Girls_ together. 

Semi was going to murder Ushiwaka after he found him, but that could wait until morning. 

"Oi, Suga," Yaku called, sticking his head out his bedroom door, "You seen that dick Kuroo? I can't find him and he's not replying to my texts."

"He ran away." Iwaizumi replied, looking up from his chocolate milk (though it was actually his seventh). "Something about being to young and beautiful to die. I think he's an idiot."

"You only _think_ that? Do you know where he is?" Yaku said, frowning.

"Yes, but trust me, you don't want to go there."

 "Why?" Suga asked, "Is he in some sort of danger?"

Iwaizumi winced. "That's highly debatable. Just trust me, it's really better not to go to him."

Bokuto walked out of his own room, wearing exercise clothes (although, to be fair, he really didn't wear much other than exercise clothes these days) and whistling to himself. He was also wearing eyeliner.

"Bokuto, whose eyeliner is that?" Yaku was frowning pretty harshly. Perhaps they should warn Lev not to call.

"Kuroo's. Why?"

"It must be bad if he didn't take his eyeliner with him," Yaku muttered, "I didn't think he had it in him to leave it behind."

* * *

Meanwhile at Karasuno:

"GRAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"CA-CAWWWWWWWWWWW MOTHER FUCKERS!"

"OIIIIIIIIYAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"ROLLLLLLLLLLLINNNNNNNNGGGGGGG THUNNNNNNNDERRRRRRRRRR!"

"WOULD YOU IDIOTS SHUT THE FUCK UP."

Ennoshita turned to Erika, having shouted at the four locked in the boys' clubroom.

"I'm calling Daichi-san. This is out of my depth."

She nodded passing him his phone, the screen newly cracked by Tanaka. The sane volleyball players had solemn expressions on their faces as they listened to the muffled shrieking and clawing noises coming from inside the room.

* * *

Daichi was an innocent person who did not deserve this.

A sudden downpour had started when he had to walk accross campus to get home, the only open shower was broken, and now he was dripping water on the floor of his dorm hallway because HanaMatsu had put a goddamn sock on the door. 

Oh, yeah, and Ennoshita was calling him.

"What did they do this time?" He asked, accepting the call.

"Daichi-san, we need you here _now_. Tanaka, Nishinoya, Hinata, and the over excitable girls' team ace, Saya, all got ahold of some of Asahi's coffee. We've got them all in one room but we need to somehow calm them down by morning, otherwise we'll have to explain to the vice principle exactly why there are muffled screaming noises coming from the boys' volleyball clubroom. Also I have very good reason to believe that they could break down the door. And Tanaka broke my fucking phone screen when he jumped out of an alley, tackled me, and passionately confessed his love in German. _German_ , Daichi-san, _German_." 

"I'll be there as soon as possible," Daichi replied grimly, getting his angry dad face on as he hall mates watched, held in place by sheer terror, "Do me a favor and call Suga for me. I'm going to need some backup if I'm going to scare the caffeine out of them. And has Tanaka always spoken German?"

"I don't believe so."

"Well shit."

* * *

Kuroo and Sakunami were having a brofest. Neither of them had either been to a brofest before, so they were just watching shoujo anime and eating ice cream. Halfway through, Sakunami's sister, a college basketball player in her second year, walked in and plopped herself down in an armchair. 

"What we watching?" She asked, snagging some ice cream and a spoon.

" _Monthly Girls' Nozaki_." Sakunami said, eyes never leaving the screen.

"Nice to see I have imposed at least some small amount of good taste on you." She told him, nodding at Kuroo. "Yo. I'm Hisano. Literally the only person in my family with any interest in basketball. Double major in history and astrophysics with a minor in English."

"She's a super nerd." Sakunami told Kuroo.

"Rude much?" Hisano said, baseball passing a pillow in to her brother's face. 

* * *

Kenma was hiding again, this time from a hoard of girls desperate for Kuroo's number. And also Lev. He couldn't decide which of the two was more annoying.

He was debating whether or not to call Yaku. On one hand, Yaku was probably busy. On the other, Kenma wanted help.

Meh. He was going to call Yaku and damn the consequences. 

Better text Kuroo and make him pay for his flirtatious ways while he was at it.

* * *

Kenma: Kuro come to Nekoma and help me

Kuroo: Can't shit is going down in this show

Kenma: Helllllllppppppppppp meeeeeeeeeeeeee

Kuroo: BUT KENMA THINK OF THE CHARACTERS

Kuroo: Also I'm having a brofest

Kenma: wat

Kuroo: Now, now, Kenma, I know socialization is a foreign concept to you, but some of us have bros. I have a bro. And now a broette.

Kenma: ...are u hanging out with Bokuto...

Kuroo: Very funny. No.

* * *

Suga came running up to the door to the clubroom at around ten thirty that night and ran straight into Daichi.

"Oh my goodness I am so sorry Daichi I didn't mean-"

"Oh shit Suga are you ok-"

"OH YEAH RYUU YOU DO THAT SHIT YEAH MAN." Came Nishinoya's voice from behind the door. Ennoshita looked concerned. 

"What shit is Tanaka doing?" He muttered under his breath right before they heard something bang into the door. 

"Suga, get ready. We're going in." Suga glanced over at Daichi, who was glaring at the door with hatred that almost rivaled Nishinoya's hatred of studying and being quiet.

"Alright." Suga replied, throwing his shoulders back and preparing his angry mom face. If they were going to calm these four down, they were going to need to scare the shit out of them. They had never seen the angry mom face.

Meanwhile, Daichi was thinking that Suga looked hot when angry. He leaned over to Ennoshita.

"Is my gay showing?" He whispered. Ennoshita looked shocked.

"You were trying to hide it?"

* * *

Bokuto was walking Akaashi home from the younger boy's practice.

"So I'm reading the group chat, right? And then Iwaizumi was a like 'why is Ushiwaka in our apartment' so I walk out and guess what? He's in our apartment, right? AND HE'S WATCHING MOVIES WITH MAI." 

"Bokuto-san, which group chat is this? It sounds quite entertaining." Bokuto froze after hearing Akaashi's words.

"I MUST GO." He shrieked, running away from the younger boy at top speed.

Akaashi sighed before running after him. He had two years of Bokuto wrangling under his belt and was considered somewhat of an expert in many circles. Additionally, he was faster than the ace.

It only took five minutes for the chase to be over (the current longest was a three day cross country chase after Bokuto had fucked up pretty badly during a practice match). Akaashi pinned the taller boy to a wall, glaring up at him as the ace blushed red and turned away.

"Bokuto-san, what are you trying to hide?"

"Nothing! I'm not hiding anything. Nothing at all."  

"Bokuto-san. Please consider your options here. I could do this all night. You, on the other hand, can not. You have to find Kuroo-san, no?" Akaashi was leaning in closer now.

"H-how'd you know that?" Bokuto asked, extremely flustered. 

"Hmm? I have my ways. So, are you going to tell me or not?" 

"I...um...have a group chat for the roommates! But, uh, Oikawa kinda stole my phone and deleted it because he didn't like getting alerts from it...so...yeah."

"I don't think you're telling me everything, Bokuto-san."

"I SWORE A BLOODPACT AND I DON'T WANT TO DIE AT THE HANDS OF SAKUNAMI." Bokuto screamed, bursting past Akaashi and jumping a fence.

"Interesting." Akaashi mused, pulling out his phone to text Konoha that the former captain was acting strangely.

* * *

Oikawa, Mai, and Ushijima had moved onto discussing literature such as _The Fellowship of The Ring_ and _The Once and Future King_. Iwaizumi was standing behind them and shaking his head, chowing down on a box of Nilla wafers and reading a tattered copy of _The Song of the Lioness_.

It was a peaceful scene, Iwaizumi thought, taking a sip of his tea.

"Oi, Iwaizumi! Hang onto my legs while I lean out the window so I can take a picture of this sunset." Yaku yelled from somewhere in the house. Iwaizumi sighed, setting all of his things down to go help the libero out. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did this instead of my like four thousand assignments. I hate going to a college prep school. There was a significant amount of drama this week (like way more then was nessecary).  
> Also I kinda relate to Daichi now because I have a ridiculous number of underclassmen on the team who won't listen to me. Also my coach cracked up because I fell asleep during stretches. Like legit fell asleep.  
> I should take more naps.  
> BTW Tanaka speaking German is inspired by my mom's college friend who had to much whiskey at a party and started speaking German and became very destressed upon learning he wasn't speaking English and just kinda cried for an hour while telling his girlfriend how much he loved her.  
> Not to be confused with the story about how my great great uncle drank some whiskey and serenaded a woman in Gaelic.  
> They've been married for something like 50 years and she still doesn't speak a word of Gaelic.  
> And they met outside the gay bar they had both just exited.  
> Aaaaand my great great uncle (who is 93 and likes Agent Carter) wants you to know that he says hi to the Internet.  
> "Hi Internet!"  
> -My Great Great Uncle.


	9. Aoba Johsai Needs Help, Futakuchi Has Become The Mom Friend, Karasuno Needs To Be Stopped, and The Apartment Is Haunted (Again).

"Hey Yahaba, why does Kindaichi look so upset?" Watari asked during one of their breaks.

"Shit happened." Yahaba replied, eyeing the freshman in question, who was very determinedly avoiding Kunimi. Kunimi had been late this morning, had fallen asleep in class, and forgot his lunch, kneepads, and practice clothes. They seriously needed to fix this situation. 

"Seems pretty serious to me." Watari was looking at Yahaba intensely now.

"I'll fix it." Yahaba grumbled.

"Yahaba-senpai, what did you do to Kindaichi?" Yahaba turned around to suddenly be hit with the full force of Kunimi's deadliest glare, one that had previously only been directed at Kageyama and math tests. 

"N-nothing." Kunimi's glare deepened. Yahaba geared up his own glare in response, leading to a intense glaring contest that had been seen only three times in the history of the world: between the great queen Boudica and Death himself, this author and a particularly stubborn horse, and this current glaring contest. For once Kunimi was actually putting effort into something but even that could barely hold its own against a single year of Yahaba's years of pent up aggression. The first years were hiding behind Kindaichi, who was hiding behind Kyoutani, who was hiding behind Watari, who was hiding behind the coaches, who were slowly backing out of the room while attempting to call Iwaizumi for backup. 

"What. Did. You. Do." Kunimi ground out.

"I. Didn't. Do. Shit." Yahaba practically growled, used to dealing with stubborn people (years of dealing with Oikawa and months of dating Kyoutani did that to a person). Neither was going to back down anytime soon. 

It was time for Drastic Measure #347:

When in doubt, call everyone. 

* * *

When Ushijima finally returned to his own apartment, it was three days later and he, Oikawa, and Mai were now the best of friends. They even had a group chat. 

Tendou and Semi were curled up on the couch is the living room. Semi was asleep, clinging to Tendou, who was watching some anime (were those magical boys Ushijima saw on the screen?). The red head looked up as he walked in, arching an eyebrow at Ushijima's clothes, which had been stolen from Kuroo's closet.

Hey, if he hadn't wanted his clothes stolen, he should have stayed home.

"Eita was worried, ya know." Tendou told him, being serious for once.

"I will apologize to Eita later, Satori. I want to go to sleep now. I've barely rested these past few days."

"Fine~ But next time, don't leave it to Sugawara to tell us where you are~"

"Quit with that singsongy voice, Satori. You might wake Eita. And I do not wish to see a murder comitted today." Ushijima left the room, presumably to check on his plants before going to bed.

Tendou stared after him, wondering if Ushijima realized that the sweatpants he was wearing said 'sexy' across the butt. Knowing Ushijima? Probably not.

Tendou's phone rang. He frowned, not recognizing the number.

"Hello?"

* * *

"Sakunami, you look tired." Koganegawa said, leaning towards the libero with a slight frown on his face. 

"I am not. Shut up." Sakunami muttered before pouring a five hour energy drink into a cup of the strongest coffee he could find, which he had brewed with more coffee before dumping instant expresso into it. He looked at his concoction, grimaced, and downed it in one swallow. 

The drink was horribly bitter, and tasted awful.

"I hope there wasn't cyanide in that." He grumbled, ignoring Koganegawa's horrified and concerned expression as the setter ran out of the room to go fetch Futakuchi.

They were back in a few minutes.  Futakuchi was carrying a massive bag he had inherited from Moniwa, which was decorated with a skull and crossbones in Datekou's colors and labeled with 'Open only if you are the captain and it is a dire situation.'

Futakuchi was also on the phone.

"Yes, Moniwa-san, Koganegawa saw him drink it."

"No, I do not know how much sleep he got."

"Yes, I have the bag."

"Yes, I can see him."

"No, I don't know why he was concerned about cyanide. I'm putting you on the phone with Obara now. Bye bye."

Futakuchi shoved the phone at Obara, reaching into his bag. He pulled out a blanket (made by Aone), a pillow (also Aone), and a thermometer (made by some medical company, not Aone). Jamming the thermometer in Sakunami's mouth, he wrapped him in the blanket and began to examine the coffee cup.

"Captain, Moniwa-san says to take him to the clubroom and that there's an air mattress and some soup in the supply closet."

"Well who the hell is going to cook that?" Futakuchi yelled, waving his hands around and smacking Koganegawa in the face, causing the setter to yelp, which startled several of the second years' classmates. Aone stepped forward, placing a calming hand on his boyfriend's shoulder. "Ah, sorry Aone. I forgot you could cook." Futakuchi muttered before fainting.

Aone caught him, picking his unconscious boyfriend up and carrying him out of the classroom. Koganegawa walked over to Sakunami, poked the exhausted libero in the cheek, and then picked up the smaller boy, blanket and all.

"Obara-san, would you please grab the pillow? I don't want to leave Aone-san's hard work behind."

And with that, the Datekou boy's volleyball club began the long march to the club room.

They walked past the daily initiative to get the computer science lovers out of their lab. This initiative often times ended in either failure or sobbing techies being forced to confront the outdoors, eyes in great pain from being exposed to the sunlight. Today was a combination.

After a fifteen minute battle with the air mattress in which Obara accidentally hit Aone with the mattress, Koganegawa accidentally deflated it (twice), and Sakunami started sleep talking about ancient torture methods while giggling. Finally the boys were able to get the two unconscious players into the bed and look down at their work proudly.

The Datekou boy's volleyball clubroom was about the same size as all the other clubrooms. However, it had been converted into a miniature lounge thanks to the efforts of Moniwa and Aone. There was a small kitchen with a note on the microwave that said "Koganegawa, do not use this. ~Futakuchi," a supply closet/pantry, two space heaters, a large variety of snacks, three first aid kits, beanbag chairs, blankets, pillows, nice curtains on the windows, and a TV. There was also a box of extra chargers in a basket by the TV. 

It was a cozy place, decorated in the school colors, and perfect for leaving their captain and libero to rest for a while. With a note left behind, of course (they weren't heartless monsters after all).

After they had left the two boys in the clubroom, the guys were walking back to class when Futakuchi's phone rang (Aone had it, as he didn't want his boyfriend being disturbed by ringtones). He handed it off to Obara (who had become the official phone call reciever). 

"This is Date Kou."

* * *

Daichi was fucking terrifying when he was truly pissed off. 

They had taken one step into the club room when Daichi and Suga were both attacked by excitable and highly caffeinated volleyball players. Daichi managed to hold his own against Nishinoya and Hinata, but Suga was sent to the ground by Tanaka and Saya.

"Suga!" Daichi cried, reaching for the setter's hand, but Suga's fingers slipped through his own. "Don't hurt him, you two!"

"DAICHI-SAN."

"What do you want, Tanaka?"

"DID ENNOSHITA RECEIVE MY LOVE?" 

"Yes, you breaking his phone _really_  got the point across."

"HELL FUCKING YEAH!!!" Tanaka shrieked, throwing his arms around Suga and squeezing the breath out of the setter.

"Tanaka, get off Suga right fucking now! I mean it." Daichi said, trying to pry himself free of Nishinoya.

"NEVER DAICHI-SAN."

Outside the building, Ennoshita and Eriko were staring at the door. 

"Should we interfere?" He asked.

"Nah, they'll be fine. I hope." She replied.

The call to Ennoshita's shattered phone went straight to voicemail.

* * *

"Mai, explain the ghost that is watching TV on our couch." Iwaizumi said, staring at the apparition who appeared to be resting on the couch and was watching old  _Psych_ reruns.

"Oh, that's Gene. He's dick boss' nice twin brother. Give 'im a wave, Gene." Gene waved without even glancing at Iwaizumi, who was questioning his life choices. Oikawa waltzed into the room, wearing his glasses and one of Iwaizumi's old t-shirts with some alien boxers. He did not question the ghost, just grabbed some coffee (Yaku made it, so it wasn't as strong) and sat down at the table, all while humming some sugary pop song. Iwaizumi checked his watch.

"Tooru, it's past noon. And there are bags under your eyes, which are blood shot, and you're wearing glasses, so I'm assuming you stayed up all night watching something."

"Excuse you, Iwa-chan, I was  _reading_ a  _book_. It's for our next book club meeting."

"What book club?"

"The one Ushiwaka-chan, Mai-chan, and I started, duh silly."

"You started a fucking book club with fucking Ushiwaka?"

"And Mai-chan, yes. Iwa-chan, you're so slow. Maybe you should join book club and use your brain for once."

"Oikawa fucking Tooru," Iwaizumi said, calm as he could manage under the circumstances, "I am going to choke you to death with your own spinal cord."

Gene watched as a squabble broke out between the lovers.

"Damn," He said, not really to himself but no one else was paying attention, "I wish I could eat food. This fight would go good with some popcorn."

He noticed Iwaizumi's phone ringing, but couldn't answer it. Mostly because he was a non-corporeal being who just would've gone straight through it, but partly because he didn't really care to interrupt the fight.

* * *

Kuroo awoke in Kenma's room.

This was very confusing for Kuroo. He did not remember traveling to Kenma's room, nor arriving to Kenma's room, nor falling asleep. The last thing he remembered was getting drunk at Sakunami's house. 

"Kuro, are you awake?" Suddenly, his vision was full of Kenma. 

 "How did I get here?" Kuroo asked, concerned about his own well being and what may have transipired the night before.

"You walked in, drunk and carrying seven cats, confessed your undying love to me, and ate all the chocolate in the house before falling asleep." Kenma said, blushing slightly and staring out his window.

"Ah. I, uh, see." Kuroo said, staring at the ceiling. There was a lull in the conversation, one boy embaressed into silence and the other processing. All of the sudden, Kuroo shot upwards, leaping out of bed and startling poor Kenma. Kuroo got down on one knee on the floor in front of Kenma.

"Um. Ok. Yeah. So, uh, I'm going to do this properly because I've wanted to for a really, really long time and Yaku's totally gonna kill me when I get back, but um, I uh...really, really like you. In, y'know. A gay way. Because I'm gay. And I don't just like you when I'm drunk. I like you other times as well. Like, all the time. I have a club. We have a group chat. So, uh, yeah. This is a bit awkward."

"Kuroo, I...feel the same way." Kenma admitted, now the color of the Nekoma volleyball uniforms.

"DUde. We should TOTALLY go out."

* * *

Kuroo: Dudes and lady I asked out Kenma 

Kuroo: He said yes

Iwaizumi: Great join the not single squad

Kyoutani: We have boyfriends

Kyoutani: Send help to Seijoh Yahaba and Kunimi have been glaring at each other for an hour now it's kinda terrifying

Kyoutani: And by kinda I mean I think Kindaichi pissed himself 

Daichi: Send help to Karasuno I'm going kill Tanaka

Bokuto: Send coffee I'm tired

Kuroo: NO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently now the freshmen are scared of me? I blame the ace, personally. She's been looking rather guilty lately. One of the freshmen kinda reminds me of Kindaichi tbh.  
> Me: Hey, can you pass me that towel?  
> Her: YES  
> Her: CERTAINLY  
> Her: PLEASE TAKE IT  
> Her: I MUST GO PLEASE EXCUSE ME  
> And then she just ran and hid in the locker room.  
> I'm super sorry about how late this chapter is. My life has kinda been a shit storm lately. On the bright side, I now have a tumblr.  
> http://asexual-queen-of-the-universe.tumblr.com/


	10. Staring Contests Have Yet To Be Resolved, Mai Taniyama Somehow Knows The Generation of Miracles, and Kageyama Wants To Fight the Sun (But In A Romance Way).

Three hours later, the staring contest still wasn't over.

"Kyoutani-san," Kindaichi said, looking concerned for his captain and best friend, "Should we stop them?"

"Yeah, that's probably a good idea." Kyoutani agreed, tearing into a sandwich. 

"What should we do?" 

"Ok, here's my plan: you get Kunimi's girlfriend, she'll be the bait, and you, Watari, and I will carry them out of the gym. If need be, she and I can seduce them into stopping."

"Kyoutani-san, can we maybe... _not_...use his girlfriend?" Kyoutani paused in his assault on the sandwich, looking at the middle blocker and scrutinizing him. He had momentarily forgotten about Kindaichi's crush.

"Right. Shit. Sorry." 

"Thank you, Kyoutani-san. You know, when I first met you I thought you were really scary but you're actually really nice." Kyoutani blushed furiously.

"S-shut up."

* * *

 "Bro, I have to leave now." Mai shouted, headed out the door. She was dressed in warm winter clothes and had her brown hair tied back off her face.

"Hey hey hey, where ya goin'?" Bokuto asked, looking up from where he was playing Mario Cart against Iwaizumi.

"Basketball game. The Winter Cups' on and some of my middle school friends are playing so I have to make sure no one gets stabbed."

"'Kay, have fun!" 

Mai nodded, walking out of the apartment, closing the door behind her. She walked towards the elevator, making a plan in her head to go to Starbucks.

 The Starbucks was quiet, and Asahi was working the counter along with Bokuto's former volleyball captain, who nodded at Mai as she came in and rang up the usual venti caramel macchiato.

"Sup Asahi?" She asked, handing over her card. 

"Death." He said morosely, swiping her card and grabbing her reciept. 

"I really do hope you're kidding. I'd rather not have to hunt your ghost. It's not any fun when you _know_ them."

"You're terrifying."

"Really? _I'm_ terrifying? I am five foot fucking _one_ man, the most terrifying thing I can do is break your kneecaps. And occasionally get possessed. You know, normal shit."

"Pretty sure that's not normal." Asahi's coworker supplied, handing her the drink.

* * *

The quartet were tied to chairs, mouths ducktaped shut, parents called and informed, as the others waited for the caffeine to wear off. They were going to be waiting a very long time. 

Meanwhile, Ennoshita and Erika had decided to hook up Daichi and Suga, since the losers weren't going to do it themselves. So he sent a series of rapid fire texts to Matsukawa, who shared the Google Doc with Suga.

Suga eyed his phone suspiciously when it dinged, but checked the email immediately. He opened the document, began to read, and was promptly shocked. 

Shock, satisfaction and desire ran through him in a peculiar mix of hot and cold, and he glanced up at Daichi, amused that the other man hadn't made his move yet. There were some...delicious ideas in the document, after all.

Suga marched up to Daichi, who was still lecturing their errant children, and grabbed the front of his shirt, yanking him down into an opened mouthed kiss, completely with spit and teeth and just a hint of tongue. The duo backed up in tandem until Daichi's back was up against the wall, and they got even _more_ passionate. 

You could hear the cheers from the four in the chairs through the duck tape.

* * *

 

Bokuto was hiding in the library because Akaashi knew where he lived. That, and he needed to study. He was a Biology-major-with-a-minor-in-English, after all. 

But midway through his review of cellular structures, he slammed his head down on the table because all he could remember is 'mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell' and _fuck_ that noise, honestly, because it wasn't going to help him _identify the goddamn nucleus_. 

Maybe he should have been a artist.

* * *

 

The book club was trying to have a meeting, but they got distracted by the Disney Channel Original Movie Marathon. Oikawa and Ushijima were doing shots every time someone's parents died and were drunk off their asses while laughing at _Halloween Town_. 

Mai was too sober and unemployed for this shit, and was still getting texts from Akashi Seijuro, who wanted to know is she knew that all his former teammates were gay.

She couldn't _wait_ until he figured out he was, too. 

* * *

 

Kageyama was penning a touching letter to Hinata. Tsukishima was in the room with him, and was looking at pictures of dinosaurs on the Internet. 

"Tsukishima, will you read this?" 

"No," Tsukishima snapped, grabbing the hot pink, strawberry scented stationary anyway.

"Dear dumbass,

Fucking fight me you sunshiney piece of shit.

Suck it,

Kageyama." Tsukishima read, sending Kageyama a look of horrified disbelief after he was done. "I hope this is a fucking joke, you asshole." Kageyama puffed himself up indignantly.

"As if! I'm serious."

"You're hopeless."

"Oi! I'll tell Yamaguchi."

"Don't you fucking dare."

"Try me, bitch."

"I'll wring you out like a fucking dishrag!"

"I'll call Suga-san."

"Fuck off."

"Deal with it, Sharon."

"My name isn't fucking Sharon!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok.  
> First off, I am really, really deeply sorry that this didn't update faster. Life got really hard and then when I FINALLY had the goddamn time to work on this I got the most horrible case of writers block ever. But school ended (today lol) and I sat my lazy bitch ass down and I ground out a chapter.  
> *throws DaiSuga at you*  
> Second order of business: going to try to update once a week-ish now? Stay tuned for more 411 on this.  
> Third- Someone asked for a coffee rec a while back and there's a brand called Lavazza that has really good authentic Italian coffee. It's pretty strong, they don't sell it everywhere but it's great and probably the only reason I didn't die of exhaustion during finals week. 
> 
> HAVE A GREAT SUMMER, GOOD LUCK ON ANY FINALS YOU MAY HAVE, REMEBER TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES AND MAY YOU NOT BE DISSAPOINTED ON ANY OF YOUR ENDEAVORS. 
> 
> That is all, and thank you once again for sticking with it. Stay fabulous.
> 
> Clarification: FIC IS NOT DONE. THE FIC AINT DONE UNTIL EVERYONE HAS KISSED AND MORE GHOSTS HAVE APPEARED. 
> 
> Man I love ghosts.


	11. KIndaichiindaichi is Kindaichi's New Nickname, Ennoshita is A Scrappy Little Fucker, Tsukishima Wants to Be An Only Child, and Kageyama Mails A Letter.

"KIndaichiindaichi..." Watari moaned from his sleeping bag.

"What, Senpai?" Kindaichi grumbled.

"KIndaichiindaichi, go check to see if they're still going at it."

"You go check," Kindaichi said, half to the libero and half to his pillow, "My asian ass is going to bed."

"KIndaichiindaichi, we're _all_ asian."

"Yahaba-san is a demon and a lizard."

"You bet your asian ass he is."

"Next person who talks is going out the goddamn window with a chlorine bomb strapped to their dick." Kyoutani threatened, rolling over to face them with a glare he stole from Iwaizumi. 

"Sir, yes, sir." They eked out.

* * *

Daichi was absolutely goddamn useless, Ennoshita thought. He had called the man for a goddamn reason, and now Daichi and Suga were making out instead. Sure, it was satisfying to see them _finally_ resolve their goddamn sexual tension, but he had hoped Suga could have waited until after they had scared the shit out of the Caffinated Quartet. 

So he made a decision. He called his stage makeup guy and brought him up to speed. Then he snatched up a couple first year, got them all dolled up as monsters, and gave them scripts. He then grabbed Daichi and Suga- who were still intertwined- with Yamaguchi's assistance, left those two in a supply closet, and dashed back to the clubroom. Kinoshita and Narita were charged with distracting the Caffinated Quartet while the captain stealthily planted cameras. They left, dimming the lights behind them.

All hell broke loose when he sent the "monsters" in thru the second story window. Hey, if the four idiots were traumatized, at least he could use the footage for a movie.

* * *

 

Koganegawa was worried about Sakunami. The libero had been acting very strangely lately, all sneaking around and pretending to be innocent and "No, Koganegawa-kun, you may not come over to my house tonight." He _always_ let the setter come over to his house! There was only one thing left for Koganegawa to do: call in Futakuchi-senpai.

He pulled out his iPhone, now freshly fixed by Techie 37, who insisted she be called that "because they're always watching" before she spotted a black helicopter and dove under a table. The phone was decked out in the team's colors, and he unlocked it with his fingerprint. He opened his hidden cache of photos of Sakunami (cute things were his weakness), and scrolled through a few before ordering Siri to call his captain. 

"This is Date Kou."

"Senpai, I need help."  
"Fuck off, Shitty Setter McShitpants."

"But I need help stalking Sakunami-kun!"

"Oh hell yeah. Give me twenty minutes, I need to put some clothes on. Aone says hi."

"Senpai, were you having sex?"

"NO! What the _fuck_ , asshat. We're at the pool with my little sister."

"Oh."

* * *

 

Iwaizumi was weightlifting when he was ambushed by and exciting looking Goshiki and bored looking Shirabu.

"Iwaizumi-san, Iwaizumi-san! Your arms are amazing. Teach me your secrets, please." Shirabu pulled out a spray bottle full of water and sprayed the other boy.

"No idolizing. Bad Goshiki." 

"I'm not a dog, Shirabu-senpai." Goshiki whined, looking very much like a scolded dog.

"You're right, you're not. Dogs are more intelligent, I shouldn't insult them by comparing them to the likes of you."

"You filthy lying bastard! That doesn't even make any sense! I'm an honors student."

"Sit your asses down, underclassmen." Iwaizumi growled, having conveniently forgotten they weren't _his_ underclassmen. "I'm going to scold you little bastards."

As he launched into his tirade, Goshiki hung his head in sorrow. 

"I just wanted to talk to Ushijima-san." He whispered. Shirabu sprayed him again.

* * *

 

Tsukishima hated his brother. Akiteru had apparently formed an alliance with the coach, who had informed him of Tsukishima's dating life. And now he was getting the sex talk. He had tuned out the part about lube, and condoms, and proper hygiene, but Akiteru was now pulling out a pineapple and a couple dildos, and he really, really didn't want to see where this was going.

"You do realize we should have had this talk the day I found your porn folder, right?" Tsukishima interrupted. 

"WE DON'T TALK ABOUT THAT DAY." Akiteru screamed, running out of the room, dildos still in his hands. Kei could hear their mother start yelling when she caught sight of them.

Sighing, he grabbed the pineapple and a knife. For a man with such awful taste in porn, Akiteru did know how to pick his vegetables.

Man he wanted to be an only child.

* * *

 

Kageyama snuck up to Hinata's shoe locker and slipped his letter in. 

_This shit better work._

He slipped away, contemplating a change in hairstyle in honor of this momentous occasion. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who has two thumbs and actually updated on time for once? THIS LASS RIGHT HERE FOLKS.   
> Ugh, today was awful. The week has been shit. There is one bright side to this clusterfuck.   
> I'M GETTING PUBLISHED.   
> My poetry's going to be in a magazine! I'm so excited. Hope you're all having a good summer and good luck to all y'all who haven't finished your finals. You got this!!!


	12. Don't Take Advice From Oikawa Tooru And Other Life Lessons Hinata Never Learned.

Hinata had never received a more terrifying letter in his life. 

First off, Kageyama's handwriting was too intense. Just...really intense handwriting. And strawberry scent? What the fuck? Who was this guy and what had he done with Kageyama? Plus, the words were scary. 

Unsure of what to do, Hinata then proceeded to make one of the worst mistakes in his entire life. 

He asked Oikawa Tooru for advice. 

* * *

Sakunami wasn't a very interesting person to stalk. 

He went to volleyball. He went to school. Then back to volleyball. Then the grocery store. Then home. Same thing the next day. There was no juicy gossip. 

Futakuchi had gotten bored after hour two and quit. Aone had stuck around a little longer, but eventually went back with his boyfriend. 

So Koganegawa was left to fend for himself in a sea of unknown variable, and he was pretty sure Sakunami could gut him with a rusty spork, bury the body in his basement, and never get caught. 

He might have possibly not thought this plan through very well. 

* * *

Kuroo was poked awake by one of the many cats he had brought to Kenma's home (and had apparently drunkly, in a very solemn tone, told Kenma's mother were a "Dowry for her fine as fuck son's hand.") He shot out of bed, startling the cat and jettisoning himself onto the floor. 

Lev was sitting in Kenma's desk chair, eating a large loaf of bread and playing Pokemon Go on his phone. 

"Lev, what the fuck. Wait, shit. This must be a pipe dream. This has got to be a pipe dream."

"I'm real, captain." 

"Isn't that what a pipe dream would say?"

"That's...actually valid logic."

"So what do you want, oh gloriously tall pipe dream?"

"Lots of money and Yaku-san's ass."

"You, son, are a pipe dream after my own heart."

* * *

Oikawa was so glad to be asked for advice that he actually cried, but it might have also been the hangover that did him in. He had been doing shots with Iwaizumi every time they saw a ghost and had fallen asleep after ten. 

"Young sunshine-"

"My name is Hinata."

"Young sunshine, I would be honored to tell you how to tell how to deal with the angry blueberry we call Kageyama, or ickle Kagles. You must challenge him to a fight, and fake a punch to kiss him, and which point he will be so floored that you two will have steamy hate sex on the roof of the Karasuno gym so all your problems will be fixed and you two will become the new top volleyball power couple and you will be simultaneously hated and loved by the entirety of humanity!"

"Are you being a bad influence, babe?" Iwaizumi grumbled from where his head rested in Oikawa's lap, too tired to make up any insults. 

"No! Here's a condom and lube, do you require advice on how to use them?" Hinata shook his head. "No? Then go forth, young child! Have beautiful steamy hate sex on rooftops!"

"Oikawa-san, how did you know I liked him?" Hinata whispered, awestruck. Oikawa winked at him.

"Sweetie, I know all of Hajime's passwords."

* * *

Hinata: Guys, Oikawa knows.

Bokuto: What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck NO

Sakunami: I'll keep him quiet. 

Hinata: He called me young sunshine and told me to have steamy hate sex with Kageyama on the gym roof.

Bokuto: Do ittttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

Kuroo: Same

* * *

Tanaka was sitting, fully awake, in the club room. Ennoshita entered, blushing furiously, and Nishinoya gave him a halfhearted wave from the corner. 

"Enno-san," Tanaka groaned morosely, "I'm sorry for breaking your phone. And y'know, the German."

"Tanaka," Ennoshita replied nervously, looking at his phone, "Ich liebe dich auch." 

Tanaka took a second to breath before lunging forward to press their lips together gently. 

Nishinoya let out a grand cheer in the background. 

* * *

Kageyama and Hinata met at sundown on the roof of the gym. 

"Fight me." Kageyama announced. Hinata lunged for him, grabbing him face and pulling him into a desperate, inexperienced, sloppy kiss. 

When they finally separated to breath, Kageyama nodded. 

"That would be an excellent distraction strategy. Good thinking."

"I don't want to distract people, dumb ass Kageyama. I want to fucking date you."

"Better plan."

"But you're dating Tsukishima."

"We're faking dating."

"Kageyama, you actual idiot and volleyball genius, will you fucking date?"

"Fuck yeah, bro."

They kissed again, with greater fervor. 

They also did not wind up having hate sex on the roof, as Daichi came up and stopped them. 

* * *

Hinata: GUYS I'M DATING KAGEYAMA

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ennoshita's words are google translate German for i love you too.


	13. "Save Yourself, I'll Hold Them Back" - Gerard Way, 2010 and Yaku, 2017

Akaashi couldn't believe he was considering breaking into the school gym, but there he was, surrounded by his new teammates in the bitter cold, pulling the rubber tips off of their new ace's bobby pins so that he could fashion a lock pick.

"Captain?" The ace, Kirishima Sosa, asked him. 

"What do you want _now_ , Kirishima?"

"Should we be scared that you know how to do this?"

"I was warned that I might need to break Bokuto-san out of the locker room on occasion. This is a skill that was passed down to me by previous Fukurodani setters. I also used it to break into Bokuto-san's apartment and take care of him."

"You're a really nice guy, captain."

"I am the physical embodiment of spite and barely concealed rage."

"That too, captain."

* * *

"Hi mom." Hinata said as he sat next to Suga.  
"Hello, son."

"Hi dad." Kageyama said to Daichi as he sat down on Hinata's other side.

"Never let me catch you two making out on the roof again." Daichi replied, looking into his udon noodles in beef broth like he was going to drown himself in it. 

"We'll try, dad."

"Can I get your order?" A waitress asked the freshmen duo, who had arrived last, after all the rest of the team had ordered.

"Uh...food?" Kageyama told her.

"I'll give you some time to look at the menu." They nodded, and she moved along. 

"I can't believe you got caught." Tsukishima sneered, taking a sip of his tea. 

"Shut the fuck up, Tsukishima, you goddamn virgin." Kageyama snapped, holding hands with Hinata.

"Oh, shit." Whispered Tanaka as the whole restaurant stared in awe. 

* * *

The staring match was still going on when Seijoh awoke that morning. 

"Fucking hell, how long is this going to go on?" Kyoutani muttered, poking Yahaba in the face. He didn't move. Suddenly, a snore sounded from Kunimi's mouth. 

Kindaichi's jaw dropped.

"K-kyoutani-san, I think they're asleep!"

"Bitch, what the fuck." Whispered Watari. The team gathered around the sleeping duo. Sure enough, their breathing was even, and with the exception of their open eyes, they appeared to be asleep. 

"Let's move them," Said Kyoutani, not even phased as he picked up Yahaba. 

"How are you not freaked out by this?" Watari demanded. Kyoutani grinned. 

"You _do_  know that I'm sleeping with Yahaba, right?"

The team let out cries of "Gross" and Kyoutani was fined four dollars for the mention of romance. 

* * *

Kuroo was advising Lev on the seduction of Yaku when Kenma returned with breakfast pastries. 

"...and you should avoid talking about Star Trek: The Motion Picture at all because he thinks that it's too long and not gay enough. Thanks, Kenma!"

"But what about The Voyage Home?" Lev asked, looking up from his notes.

"He'll yell excitedly if you mention it. So, mention it, but only in a postive connotation." Lev looked up in horror.

"There are people who don't like that movie?" He whispered. Kuroo nodded solemnly.

"Yes, I'm afraid there are." 

"No!" Lev cried, throwing his book on the ground. "Just- no!" Kuroo kept nodding. Lev began a rant about the state of the human race, and Kuroo was nodding along so hard that he launched himself out of Kenma's desk chair. Kenma ignored their yells and the distressed cats' yowls, put his head phones on, and went back to playing Overwatch.

* * *

Sakunami knew he was being watched by Koganegawa, as giant setters with blond hair that happen to be quite loud are not exactly discrete. He had elected to ignore the setter for now, letting him build his confidence and start following Sakunami closer. After this, Sakunami would pounce, capture him, and give him a good scare. 

And maybe _then_ he could ask the setter on a date. 

* * *

Bokuto had been locked in his bedroom by a ghost. 

No, really. A very angry ghost had followed his sister home and locked him in his room to die. Also, it had broken his phone and ripped a pair of his knee pads, and Bokuto honestly considered those to be worse offenses. 

He heard the front door open. 

"MAI, IS THAT YOU?" 

"NO." Yelled Oikawa. 

"DAMN. HEY, CAN YOU GET ME OUT OF HERE? I'VE BEEN LOCKED IN BY AN ANGRY GHOST."

"SURE." Oikawa walked up to the door and grabbed his spare key (kept in case of a Bokuto emergency) and slid it into the lock. He opened the door and Bokuto launched himself out. 

"Thanks." He said. Turning around, he saw a foggy shape behind Oikawa. "Hey, look out-" But it was too late. The spirit poured in Oikawa's ears and mouth, and his eyes lit up madly. 

"Yahoo~" The ghost said cheerfully. Bokuto screamed. 

* * *

Mai was out on her daily run when Yaku texted her.

Yaku: A ghost posses Oikawa

Yaku: Please come deal with this

Mai: I don't give a fuck bitch

Mai: Bye

Yaku: MAI THIS IS A PROBLEM

She put him on read.

* * *

Ushijima was in the elevator of Bokuto's apartment building carrying approximately fourteen pounds of ice cream when he looked to his right and discovered that there was a ghost in the elevator with him.

Fortunately, the ghost was Gene, and he was smiling.

"May I help you?" Ushijima who, like the majority of humanity, had never interacted with a ghost before, asked stiffly. 

"Only I you give me that ice cream."

"I was not aware that spirits could eat ice cream." Gene giggled.

"We can't. It's one of the worst thing's about being dead. Other than, y'know, being dead." Ushijima nodded, uncertain about the situation. 

"I see."

The elevator dinged and they stepped (well, Gene glided) out into the hall. Opening the door of the penthouse with the lockpick gifted to him by Akaashi, Ushijima discovered that the apartment had descended into chaos. 

Fruity cereals were spilled everywhere, and croissants were stuck to the ceiling. Chairs were sitting in every which way but the right one, and the table was on the couch. A small kitchen plant had lodged itself in the light fixture, and the umbrella stand was full of baguettes. 

All four of the armchairs and one bed were barricading one of the bathroom doors shut. Yaku and Bokuto were hidden behind the couch with fear in their eyes and butter knifes in their hands.

"What is-"

"THERE'S A GHOST POSSESSING OIKAWA." Bokuto screamed, gesturing wildly at him. Ushijima raised his eyebrows. 

"Are you cer-" The ghost/Oikawa crashed through the door. 

"Bokuto! Save yourself, I'll hold them back!" Yaku yelled, throwing his arm out.

"Shut your emo face." Bokuto yelled back, running for the door and taking Ushijima with him. 

The ice cream was a casualty in the war against the ghost. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back and many months late.  
> Also, I'm really behind on the manga so this is...what it is.


End file.
